deeplysuperficial

Trouble Sleeping

2010-11-10T02:28:00.001-08:00

Will be alive soon.

2009-12-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

happy new year's eve everybody.

italy here we come.

the XX anybody?

hangover

my vision is blurred my speech is slurred my heart is curred

my feet are numb
bring on the rum
i'm not done -
noe gimme some.

shirley's touching my temple
as i weep over bloody mary
what can i say, she was my morning glory.

2009-11-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

It's funny how used to be isn't what it used to be.
I think you know what i'm getting at.
You should've had listened to the new version by now.
I think it says alot about the both of us.
It's new, louder, different, more upbeat, but not necessarily nicer, or better. still, it's something fresh.
The major keys used make it sound a zillion times happier. Maybe that's what we are now.
I still like the old version. The tambourines. I remember telling you that.
In this version, it was used somewhat.. frivolously and awkwardly.
Frivolous and awkward. Yeah, that sounds like us too.
They took away the magical bit at 2:29 too. Yeah, the magic kinda did go away didn't it.

It's different. And that's okay. Change is good.
I hope life's treating you better. You deserve it.

Ryuichi Sakamoto

2009-10-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you for making the world a better place.

2009-10-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

must've been deaf when I deleted local natives's gorilla manor, under the notion that they were just another weird-american-folk. this stuff is gold.
that aside, I've been listening to a lot of the drums, as well as this awesome gospel album called elevator music that paul meany and darren king performed on! when I say awesome, I mean.. makes your hair stand / makes your feet dance / makes your heart turn into mush kinda awesome. jimi hendrix's cover of cream's sunshine of your love just kicks ass.
I'm also not ashamed to say I've been listening to A1, aaron carter, mariah carey (that infectious mimi album), beyonce and flo-rida's right round is *gulp the second most played song on my last.fm (I still refuse to believe that this is accurate)
yes, I know. I have no shame.

Psyche

2009-10-05T03:28:00.000-07:00

Psy⋅che
/ˈsaɪki/ [sahy-kee]
–noun
1. Classical Mythology. a personification of the soul, which in the form of a beautiful girl was loved by Eros.
2. (lowercase) the human soul, spirit, or mind.
3. (lowercase) Psychology, Psychoanalysis. the mental or psychological structure of a person, esp. as a motive force.
4. Neoplatonism. the second emanation of the One, regarded as a universal consciousness and as the animating principle of the world.
5. a female given name.
Origin:
1650–60 for def. 2; < L psȳchē < Gk psȳch lit., breath, deriv. of psȳ́chein to breathe, blow, hence, live (see psycho- )

a bonfire of (albeit useless) euphoric, explosive yet enigmatic love.

2009-09-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

1 I wonder if you're doing okay over there. I really do hope you're not kidnapped or something.
2 K Nakajima's my new pinup boy!
3 I really miss CMGR.
4 Seriously I should've went for f1 rocks. Seriously.
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Now playing: Zero 7 - Mr.Mcgee
via FoxyTunes

2009-09-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

allthethingsweoncehad.

2009-09-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

1. What-the-frappucino was Dov Charney thinking when he said all those things in court? Psychocrazyperv, American Apparel is no longer my favourite :/
2. Why didn't I buy the Arden version of Othello? The thin green one w/o footnotes is not in the least bit academically motivational.
3. I've had 5 Yakults so far in the past 3 hours. Won't die right?
4. ADAM BRODY WHY ARE YOU SO.. (*cough shall contain myself) resplendent.
5. I would marry alfian sa'at in heartbeat.

2009-09-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

brown envelope/alfian sa'at
dvds/war flicks
niceties/politics
how are you/I've missed talking to you
I am fine/look me in the eye
Are you coming next week?/ don't go.

2009-09-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

opeth is coming to town whoaaaaaa
MAKE A DATE!

2009-09-04T05:20:00.001-07:00

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

2009-09-03T06:47:00.000-07:00

this fire is outta' control we're gonna rock this city, rock this city

2009-08-30T21:27:00.001-07:00

The XX is getting hyped 400% on last.fm (:
Also, I've rekindled my love for The Radio Dept.
I still love you William+Laura don't worry!
---
Afternoons with the small group are lovely.

Could We Talk?

2009-08-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure why I said Yes.

I'd probably have alot to Say.

I'd try to be rational.

I'd listen. Not just hear.

But some part of me doesn't want to Talk.

Okay. Alot of me.

Talk.

Will it be conversational?

Or lecture-style.

Maybe we'll speak in short bursts of angst and fury.

Maybe.

Talk.

I have alot to Say.

but I don't want to Talk.

random thoughts.

2009-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

God
JimSturgess
Tauhuey
Greentea frappucino
Blue eyes
Glockenspiels
Smoked Salmon
The XX
Love Psychedelico
En pointe
Heart-Shaped Glasses (sigh. good song, psychocrazycreepy singer)

2009-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I've no idea why I read these articles.
Mock me if you must.
They sound dubiously dr.phil/orprah-esque but don't stop there.
It's pretty well written, so.. if you've got a couple of minutes to kill, here you go.

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

By LAURA A. MUNSON
Published: July 31, 2009

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.

2009-08-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Mother,
I love you.
But you make it very hard to.

2009-08-04T05:07:00.000-07:00

These are the love letters he never sent.
Signed, Sealed, Undelivered
These are the words he thought he meant.

These are the love letters that he got.
Opened, Folded, And Opened Again
This was the love he never knew was not.

Now, he kept them all neatly in a box.
This time, he removed the lock.

“They mean nothing to me, at least not anymore,”
Was what he said before he’d gone.
He never bothered again, what went wrong.

2009-07-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

He not busy being born is busy dying.

- Bob Dylan

2009-07-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

Current playlist: julian plenti + chris botti + jj number + joe hisaishi

man I'm tired.

2009-07-26T02:49:00.001-07:00

http://ocdc.bandcamp.com/

you won't regret this.

stop staring out at the rain. did you love her?

2009-06-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

Gifts:

An Horse - Camp Out
Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control (Beth Ditto is awesome.)
My Morning Jacket - Anytime New addition to "my favourite songs" list.

Point, Click. DL.
You know the drill.

This is a typical wallow in self pity post.

2009-06-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

So I think my brain is fried.
I've been to two doctors. Went to A&E at TTSH once. Don't worry it's not H1N1.
I feel really guilty for those who sat around me/hung out though.
I'm so sorry. Do drink plenty of water and have vitamins.
My fever fluctuates between 37 degrees - 38.9 degrees
The worst part is that my fever comes down only after 2 hours of paracetamol consumption.
So I get the 38^ fevers at hours like 3-5am.
That bit really, really bums me out. Trust me.
What tops it all off is that I've to sit for papers next week, and I can't study because my brain is exploding and blowing up little dynamites in my head.
And what, really, really, really takes the cake is.
My Mom is already at Melbourne with my brother, and my Dad is going over tomorrow.
They're going to see penguins.
Penguins. Yes, penguins.
Cute little birds that waddle in icy water.
... While I burn, baby, burn.

*I don't actually mean the whole resentment bit, but I needed to wallow. Forgive me.

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Now playing: Dishwalla - Counting Blue Cars
via FoxyTunes

2009-06-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

So, I'm listening to Hauschka. Math paper in front of me, I'm tapping on my "clear" key repeatedly, trying to figure out what makes Hauschka sound so enchanting.
The strings? Nope.
The piano would seem like the most sensible reason. It's the melody afterall. But, nope.
The double bass that plucks inconspicuously behind. Almost at random, irrelevant moments that you don't often anticipate correctly, albeit at a set rhythm of course.
But... It sounds, almost, almost. Almost like irregular raindrops.
Hauschka. Even saying it sounds like magic.

you rock my world.

2009-06-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

black or white's my favourite.
download the video here.

I love you MJ.

so don't come back to stockholm.

2009-06-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

band I'm absolutely crazy about at the moment: my morning jacccccccccket.
All I need :)

2009-06-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

2009-06-16T02:51:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence

2009-06-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Such a lovely song. Really wanna watch the flick, gosh I never knew David Bowie acted before this! Thank you Hoho for the song :)

2009-06-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

I just realised that our prime minister has one of the loveliest smiles I've ever seen, honest.

2009-06-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

"I'm shaking and aching and talking to the sky
I shiver in the night but I can't sleep
You're as dark as the mascara that drips down from your eyes
Look what you've done to me

You're as dark as the ocean
As cold as the rain
You've got me weak with emotion
You're such a beautiful pain
Such a beautiful pain"

The Tears - Beautiful Pain

2009-06-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

A jazz cover of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit

i'm sorry if i've become boring.
but all I ever want to do now is just post random songs.
deal with it!

2009-06-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover,
Singing softly as you fall asleep,
You wake up in the morning and it's still there,
Adding up the things you'll never be"

Heart - Stars

2009-06-01T06:27:00.001-07:00

Mystery Jets - Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis cover)

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Now playing: Placebo - Julien
via FoxyTunes

2009-05-31T02:18:00.000-07:00

aw man.
so-fangirl-worthy-adorable, though the guitar tapping thing was really silly, I still love you william (:

2009-05-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

Engage, not isolate

THE Myanmar government's continued disregard of Asean's concerns over its treatment of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi prompted two MPs on Thursday to call for it to be suspended from the regional grouping.

Mr Charles Chong (Pasir Ris-Punggol GRC) and Mr Inderjit Singh (Ang Mo Kio GRC) argued that having Myanmar as a member would dent the credibility of Asean in the eyes of the world.

- ST

awesome

clickme

2009-05-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

via

2009-05-24T04:36:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. My heart literally ceased to function the instant it caught my eye. What does this even mean?

2009-05-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Oh sod it, I give up trying to keep up with shows like GG, Heroes, and what-not.
Entire heart and soul's dedicated to Grey's and 30 rock.
Ryna you can spoil everything for me tomorrow, I don't mind anymore!

Things I need to watch:

- Full Metal Jacket and that D-Day show and return it to David before I forget, which I most probably will after my short term memory expires, which is.. really soon.
- The Reader
- Valkyrie

I'm still feeling all snappy and angsty from tuition. Grace will know why :(
HE'S KILLING ME GRACE, HE IS!
I love you Chmeloon
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Now playing: Uh Huh Her - 03- Run
via FoxyTunes

2009-05-10T06:39:00.001-07:00

http://www.box.net/shared/5xrxjdq2vz

listen to this pleasepleaseplease

2009-05-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

People trace their footsteps to find out where they went wrong.
I trace my footsteps only to find myself falling into the very same ditch all over again.

2009-05-04T06:12:00.001-07:00

this is pushing it, really, it is.

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Now playing: The Crayon Fields - Helicopters
via FoxyTunes

2009-04-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

...you're pretty much kickass awesome.

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Now playing: The Honeydrips - In Some Distant Future
via FoxyTunesy

2009-04-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

"Still in love with all your sins,
Where you stop and I'll begin,
And I'll,
I'll be waiting.
Living like a house on fire,
What you fear is your desire.
It's hard to deal,
I still love the way you feel."

"Swallow all your bitter pills,
That's what makes you beautiful.
You're all or naught,
I don't need what you ain't got."

- Big Machine, Goo Goo Dolls

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Now playing: Jeremy Messersmith - Skyway
via FoxyTunes

2009-04-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

seriously, no, seriously.
that was just... really bad. really, really bad.
oh my gawsh. the things that drive me up the wall!
listening to CO's My Mauldin Career to block it out nownownow

2009-04-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

It just dawned upon me that we have school colours. Red, yellow, and turquoise. My favourite's turquoise.

2009-04-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

"I accept chaos. I'm not sure whether it accepts me."

2009-04-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

Billy the Kid: People are always talking about freedom. Freedom to live a certain way, without being kicked around. Course the more you live a certain way, the less it feel like freedom. Me, uhm, I can change during the course of a day. I wake and I'm one person, when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else. I don't know who I am most of the time.

2009-04-16T05:40:00.001-07:00

I'm listening to Meteora again after... years. And i'm telling you man, this is what it's all about (:

2009-04-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

Carnival

2009-04-14T04:42:00.001-07:00

Top 10 most-played songs in public places

1 Procol Harum – A Whiter Shade of Pale 8/6/67

2 Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody 29/11/75

3 Everly Brothers – All I Have to Do Is Dream 4/7/58

4 Wet Wet Wet – Love is All Around 4/6/94

5 Bryan Adams – (Everything I Do) I Do It for You 13/7/91

6 Robbie Williams – Angels 1/12/97

7 Elvis Presley – All Shook Up 12/7/57

8 Abba – Dancing Queen 4/9/76

9 Perry Como – Magic Moments 28/2/58

10 Harry Lillis Crosby – White Christmas 01/01/1942

2009-04-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

4 really strange things that happened today:

1 Asobi Seksu can be found under the metal section in City Hall's HMV
2 My Dad thought the Stylistics (the original guys who brought you the i can give you everything (gatsby) song) as the Sadistics
3 My family thought our dog was abducted
4 Mildred and I got manipulated to buy really useless eyeshadow at a very wallet unfriendly amount.

Nostalgia

2009-04-09T07:15:00.000-07:00

You and I got something
But it's all then it's nothing to me

I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me

And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be

2009-04-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

So my mom and I stumbled across this flea market thing going on at Bras Basah on Sunday, and the coolest thing about it was it was held by those major cool chinese-chinese students, designers, I suppose.
Anyway! They brought in made in china Mogwai, Club 8, and other CDs from indie pop chinese/hongkee bands and it was really cool seeing that! I think they're original too, just that they're made in China I suppose? Didn't get any though.
Something, just something, about the people oozed genuineness, the way they were really proud of their art, music and fashion. Lovely. Really lovely.

AHHHHH MY EARNOSETHROAT IS KILLING ME
I'm going to sneeze my head off now
In times like these i'm so thankful for Beirut. One play of nantes and i'm all better (:
and a really sweet phone call too.

2009-04-03T17:10:00.001-07:00

Oh william.

2009-03-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

I messaged mildred, about to burst with all the coagulation of.. things.
Nicholas called, and thank goodness. Tracie and Nicholas for company. Just what I need. Thank God for friends who help you get through.

Will talk about coldplay in abit. When i've got my act together, which will be in.. 4 hours time after some raucous fun and laughter.

brain damage!

2009-03-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

go listen to the cover of eminem's brain damage by laura marling and jeffrey lewis. Total bliss!

2009-03-18T07:55:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_Earth_thought_experiment

my brain almost died figuring this out
and i still can't.

Set your dreams on fire.

2009-03-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

Joy. Food poisoning greeted me at 10 in the morning, the lovely aftermath of a stuffed family dinner with the new neighbours.

I really need to skate.

2009-03-14T05:24:00.001-07:00

Mystery Jets signed with Rough Trade, and this is just too adorable.

2009-03-10T04:13:00.000-07:00

Tyler Durden: We just had a near-life experience, fellas.

2009-03-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

I made a silly mistake by trying to consolidate my entire itunes library and now i'm stuck with all the "A" artistes and I can't eject my ipod.

2009-03-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

This is divine.
Found this trombone duet cover by these guys called Strange Brood of my favourite song, Everlong by Foo Fighters. It's not exactly perfect, but its very existence is (:

http://www.box.net/shared/7bh7b6j0xu

It's not a matter of who you treat me as, more about.. what do you take me for.

2009-03-02T04:58:00.000-08:00

10 things in no order of chronology, sanity and sensibility

1 Late for school
got pranked by my very loyal and trustworthy friends, wait, I mean FIENDS!
2 EconsMathGP- seriously, GP lectures are terribly traumatic, where you literally sit on the edge of your seat, awaiting death calls by Mdm Ainon and Mr Tan, pleading hard to yourself the next person hit won't be you.
3 Pedder Warehouse Sale with Mom at town, got sandals and met her uber-cool uni friend.
4 Nothing makes sense
5 I'm beginning to be afraid of the fact that every word I say is going to be a big mistake
6 My feet are cold.
7 I can't find the right music to listen to and that makes me feel really uncomfortable
8 Oh Grace, we don't need them.
9 Hello, yes I did see the skies today. It was raining too. I was waiting for a rainbow but it never came, very pretty nonetheless.
10 There's an annual night skating event in Munich.

One day, one day.
I'm going to go.

You Suddenly Complete Me

2009-03-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

Saturday night was spent with Irving, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and John Grisham (Innocent Man). It's Blitz is wonderful. I mean, Wonderful. So flawlessly stylish. I can't tell you what Skeletons from the album did to me, because when I heard it on the train, whoaaa I could feel my knees going weak. Hysteric was so satisfyingly feel-good sweet! Shucks I'm liking all the girlygirl-romantic tracks better. Calamity.
Right, so I spent the night prancing around town aimlessly and I ended up taking 857 home from SMU, completely engrossed in the book till I missed not one, not two, but FOUR STOPS. I got down at the highway busstop after Lentor Avenue and walked 4 bus stops home. Bummer.

Watched Marley and Me with my parents today, it was reaaally fun hanging out with them. As expected, my mom started crying because Marley and Hershey could very well be long lost relatives (behaviour-wise). My dad was naturally skeptical, as always, about.. everything. And I was simply, glad.
I miss Cephas.

2009-02-26T05:49:00.000-08:00

Blocks are over.
What a relief. Like Farzanah said, the break i'm having now isn't really a well-deserved one, because I wasn't studying as hard as I should've. I think many of us face the same predicament, maybe it's why they wanted it so early this year!
Love to Manchester Orchestra! Really like Like My Pride Be What's Left Behind. Feels refreshing.

"I'll find a way out of here. Do you believe me? Just watch me."

I popped Laura Marling and Beirut and Jeff Buckley, three artistes I adore like craaaaaazy into my Dad's car stereo and he conveniently SLAMMED each one of them.
HEARTBREAK OKAY?!
It's even worse than hearing your parents disapproving of your boyfriend/girlfriend, I think. THEY'RE MY FAVOURITES HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT THEY'RE BAAAAAAAD?!

Anyway! I rose above, and took revenge by ignoring him when he asked me to eat apples. Very brutal and fierce way of revenge, I know.

Someone Still Loves You, Clarissa Cheng

2009-02-23T04:29:00.001-08:00

ice queen says:
shitty girl
ice queen says:
are you gonna reply me?
cluhreesa says:
hahaha
cluhreesa says:
im having block tests now
ice queen says:
=(
ice queen says:
i wanted
ice queen says:
i wanted
ice queen says:
i wanted
cluhreesa says:
eh?
move one inch at a time says:
to see you
move one inch at a time says:

move one inch at a time says:
actually

TRACIE I KNEW IT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME ALL THIS WHILE

2009-02-22T07:23:00.000-08:00

sometimesit'smadthatyou'reabletomakemesosad

2009-02-19T06:02:00.000-08:00

I should start living in a plastic bubble.

2009-02-19T02:28:00.000-08:00

Ghosts.

2009-02-18T04:25:00.001-08:00

I spent the entire day scrambling to classes, stumbling into wrong LTs and classrooms with Jasmine, stressing about Blocks and basically whining alot with Ryna about our flus. Band was uplifting. I really am beginning to like Danza Symphonica. And on the car ride home, it was the only time I had to absorb the entire day.

And I liked it.

While I like to stress myself (for nothing, I'm aware) about the imaginary troubles I may have conjured up by myself, slip into my alter-ego and go into identity crises, and have a very bad knack for simply choosing to disintegrate at different points of my life, I pretty much am very thankful for Life, as it is.

Come what may.

2009-02-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

Mirah's so lovely.

2009-02-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

He reaches out to touch you.
You flinch.
Half expecting the same warmth, the same comfort, the same look of concern and understanding.
You reject it.
Somehow you don't believe it anymore.
You begin to not believe, that you actually believed in magic.
Wait. I mean, Love.
You're gripping the hem of your shirt, and looking at your shoes.
Suddenly you seek refuge in fabric. We always do.
Pillowcases, handkerchiefs and our t-shirt sleeves serve us silently while we unleash the waterworks.
At least they're reliable.
You are bitter, but you will not give in.
You will not give in.
But you are caving in.
Your heart is dismantling against its' will.
Your trachea is closing.
You gasp for air.
You begin to chortle in between tears.
You begin to lose your footing.
Your knees have given way.
The floor is cold.
He still towers over you.

You give up.
But you have not given in.

2009-02-12T04:52:00.000-08:00

fix you (me).

2009-02-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

"He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him and sometimes with scorn and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy."

2009-02-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

helloooooooimblogginginGPclass

Cephas is leaving tomorrow!
Ah, the devastation.

green tea frappucino with caramel on top.

2009-01-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

First time blogging from my phone! This is pretty fun.
Im watching a couple play chess from my table. By far the sweetest thing i've seen in ages.
History, history, history. Let's fall in love again shall we? Or at least try to get along. I'll study you really hard, but you've got to reciprocate!
Gawsh its cold out here. Mmmm. Alright.
Time to go.

Thank You Mario, But Our Princess Is In Another Castle

2009-01-12T23:47:00.001-08:00

cartwheels.

2009-01-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

i want to rip myself apart. seriously.
i left my wallet in the bus. which is perfectly normal, and the best part is because i'm broke 90% of the time, people are generally very nice and they return my wallet!
but this time.
MY MYSTERY JETS TICKET IS INSIDE
sod it with office hours, sigh

2009-01-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

i'm not hearing this.

Quiver, not.

2009-01-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

My brother passed his driving test, I'm proud of you Cephas!
When I heard him calling for my name once he got back, I knew something good happened heh.
I felt really loved when he ruffled my hair! Really cheesy but yeah he doesn't read this. (Okay he's sitting beside me but I don't think he can see..)
---

You know how the warm sunshine comes down on you, and your skin literally breathes in the cool air.
Something just happens.
Everything looks crisp.
Everything looks alive.
I wanna have that 24/7.

2009-01-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.box.net/shared/2c2iqyftcj
maps- the yeahyeahyeahs
http://www.box.net/shared/e5lisqz8tp
the research - lonely hearts still beat the same

Lightbulbs!

2009-01-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

so. after church and lunch, I went to THOMSON (i know you're reading this!) to study, have coffee, read, etc. decided to leave and check out the music store, and I FOUND MYSTERY JET'S 21! got it, and within 10 minutes I managed to slip down five steps of a stationary escalator.
couple of scratches, huge bruises, but i scared a couple of people which was really the worst thing that happened.

i got my ticket today! the lady said ticket sales are rather good. i'm going alone.
can't wait!

i miss grace.

2009-01-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

"We're on the same side girl,
I don't want to be a ball and chain,
I'm just afraid of change,
And I'm not ashamed,
If you think I want to hold you back,
you should know me better than that,
I just want to be the first to know."

Mystery Jets - First To Know

split seconds.

Cain Said To Abel.

2009-01-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

http://www.box.net/shared/ecrm281cc5

The Real Tuesday Weld - It's a Wonderful Life

Can you hear me?

2009-01-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

Hi. C'mere. Yes, i'm talking to you. Yeah, you.

I want to hear your heartbeat.
I want to hear how you feel.

Hush, don't talk, don't say anything at all.
Just let me hear you.

I want to hear your footsteps.
I want to hear where you're going. To a rushed day at work? Or an appreciative stroll at the port?

I want to hear you breathe.
I want to hear living, breathing, life that takes in as much as it gives out.

I want to hear you dance.
I can't see you, but i'm imagining the best of every pirouette, every lift, every passion filled move you make.

I want to hear you write.
I want to hear you jump.
I want to hear your smile.

I want to hear you.
----

2009-01-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

1 walked into my doorframe, table and tripped on my laptop charger all in a span of 20 grand minutes.
2 tilly and the wall - black and blue

" When you show me your world, I just smiled
And then I sit with you now, I can remember
That when we forget about everything that hurts us
How lovely the world seems to be
(‘Cause nothing can hurt us!)
Like Wilson Bentley found on black velvet
A beauty so strange, something he didn't expect
It's a unique find that only some people get
And you are mine "
3 I'm going out with cephceph tomorrow for that Edward Norton show. HE'S LEAVING TOWN SO SOON. I'm going to miss fighting over the bathroom with him, screaming at him for no reason at all, trying to own each other on rock band...

Silvery Sleds

2008-12-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

my mind is still just @#$%^&*( from the stuff that happened so i just can't stop blogging. i'm sorry.

ANYWAY!
1. this is the day to have The New Year by DCFC on replay one thousand times and feel rightfully nostalgic about it. I remember how strange I felt when they played it in the August show.
2. it's new year's eve and i'm going to watch DVDs at home. watchnight service later, life is boring, but beautiful. work with it.
3. i'm listening to Silvery Sleds from Nick and Norah's infinite playlist. on replay.
4. i don't like playing guitar hero alone.
5. i'm hungry.

2008-12-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

i'm waiting
i don't know for what
i'm waiting
i'll be patient, i'll try.

used to be is really growing on me,
i love tambourines.
thank you for the song. it's beautiful.

last day of the year.
i feel nothing.
.. yet.

2008-12-30T09:54:00.001-08:00

cross your fingers
take a deep breath
let the wave crash upon you
don't look at what's left
brave the storm
grit your teeth
you're so much more, deep down underneath.

At constant speed.

2008-12-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

Listen earnestly please.
(change xx to tt)
hxxp://www.box.net/shared/zc7zhtxvt5#ABD12_13_GemmaHayes_AtConstant

A lonely burden rests gently
this is harder than I thought
Your face is distant and paler now
its funny how things work out

But if I keep a constant speed
and watch everything rush past me
its the quickest way to leave it all behind
only it never leaves
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright

I miss your kitchen window view
the effect I had on you
Your voice is lost in static waves
erased by every day

If I keep a constant speed
and let everything rush past me
This bloody mess I can leave behind
only it never leaves

I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I;m beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright

I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright
I just see an outline
I just see an outline of you
Just see an outline
Just see an outline of you

So beautiful.

Persuade Yourself. Convince Yourself. Delude Yourself.

2008-12-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

i'm watching Kung Fu Panda alone on DVD.
life is tragic.

ringo deathstarr

2008-12-26T06:29:00.000-08:00

snippets of
Christmas.

This is my Dad and Mom, evidently elated by the fact that they have successfully paid for a movie ticket for the first time since the 90's.

my dad's expression OWNS.

i spent the day helping out for my dad's party which involves 20 overgrown children (adults) belting it out on the third floor killing evergreen songs on the karaoke set and hanging out with my bro. (L)

after a little talk about globalisation at coffee bean...

Clarissa: What is globalisation to you?
Cephas: Interconnectivity.
Clarissa: What about the erasing of boundaries (e.g one language, one earth, no nations)
Cephas: (rants about freetrade, tax, etc.)
Clarissa: True.

-silence-

Cephas: What kind of boys do you like?
Clarissa: HUH?!

edit: i just listened to the shout out loud's song, you are dreaming and it's the most tragic thing on earth.

Say what you say, I am listening, I am all ears.
But if you still believe I'm thinking of you
you are dreaming, yes you are dreaming.
Everything you say, I am listening, I am all ears.
But if you still believe I'm thinking of you
you are dreaming, yes you are dreaming.

oh dear, not again.

2008-12-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

self-containment.
what is it? being able to control, to hide or to skillfully blur those tricky, tricky emotions? tricky.

to be or not to be.

it's Christmas eve.
hear the summer-snow?
it's raining.
i'm also watching Atonement, Keira Knightley is smoking a cigarette and it just looks odd.
i can't pay attention to anything.
my mind is running amock.
i need self-containment.
my imagination is bigger than me.
no, more like, bigger.. than what i'm able to handle.

drapes. i'm thinking of heavy drapes.
-
oh no. the video just stopped.
it switched to David Artchuleta (sp?)
i'm switching the channel.
hee. MTV.
-
pop-up books.
-
mystery jets... sigh.

just, You.

2008-12-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

folks, no question about it.
I absolutely am deeply, helplessly in Love, deep, deep Love with God.

Just came back from candlelight service, and it wasn't the atmosphere or the great fellowship that made me all fuzzy about God, it just... feels right.
I've oversimplified this of course. This divine love is indeed, indescribably wonderful. It just fits. For once in my life, it makes sense. It just does. No strings attached. Just pure, pure, love. Just Christmas. Just, You.
--------
sectionals in the morning, met jasmine after to shop for gifts and candlelight after.
company was great. went for candlelight with the small group, and by supper it was just ziyang, eugene, jia, michael, chua, caleb and janaan. last train home alone, and i saw wenyi's mom! i haven't seen her in ages, fancy seeing her in such a place. oh right, jasmine and i almost killed ourselves today.
--------
5 things I learnt today

1when i'm really, genuinely, happy, i laugh for no reason.
2people still fall in love when they're 50. this crazy thing, it doesn't stop. michael's story proved it.
3you can concentrate better when you hold your breath.
4many people don't know that drizzling is "mao mao yu", when translated to chinese.
5Christmas is beautiful.

don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for

2008-12-17T17:37:00.001-08:00

boy ladybugs.

talk about drama

2008-12-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

okay, deep breath because this is a long one.

right, remember the whole passport fiasco?
well, my superwoman mother managed to get our passports renewed within an hour.
after which, we rushed to the airport to catch our 1240 flight,
which was lovely, coupled with a starbucks and soup spoon lunch with my ma.
nice flight.. met dad, ceph and uncle hadianto
shopped/ate/yadda
met his lovely kids janice and andy
pretty much sums up my jakarta trip.

THEN

ceph and i got hit by food poisoning (we say it was SIA's beef lagsane)
threw up like crazy, and my poor mother went to the hospital 5 times because cephas and i got warded at different times.
so after hours of fever/throwingup/sleep
woke up, and i was all good! ceph too. thank you to all who asked!
heh, made friends with a really nice girl in my ward.
she had food poisoning too, and we were both lamenting and comparing how bad our conditions were!

home sweet home, and band camp!
i loved it.

mmm, i can feel Christmas in my bones already.

the ever-so-deceptive butterfly kiss.

2008-12-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

my very cute mother fogot to renew her passport. so, i'm stuck in singapore till this tuesday. was mega disappointed but we went on a nice retail therapy (literally) money wasting session! but you know, mothers. they spend heavenuva load of money on bedsheets, why?!!! but essentially, the purpose of this post is that i'm going to fall off the face of earth for a couple of days, byebye.

sometimes when you're not around, i put you into things to make some sense to myself that you actually are, real.

you are my thunderstorm.
you are my favourite of the moment death-cab-for-cutie song on replay.
you are the chill that goes down my spine.
you are the cold sweat on my brow.
you are my green-tea icecream.
you are my bungee jump.
sometimes you are my nothing.
you are my robot.
you are my puppet master.
you are my sunshine.
you are my searing pain.
you are my vacuum in space.
you are my fuzzy feeling.
you are my wheels on my skates.
you are my gunshot wound.
you are my sand slipping through my fingers.
you are my dream.
you are my nightmare.
sometimes you are my everything.
you are my blank paper.
you are my colour pencils.
you are my empty fridge.
you are my mind.
you are my body.
you are my soul.
you are my empty vessel.
you are my endless ocean.
you are my itch.
you are my sugar high.
are my pending mistake?
you are my fear.

2008-12-06T01:46:00.001-08:00

heading to Jakarta tomorrow,
it's been awhile since my family travelled together!
i'm so exciteddddddd, i can't wait to sleep tonight, because when i open my eyes the next morning, i know i'm heading to the airport.

and...

this is big.
possibly, the pinnacle of 2009. (excusing SYF, Alevels and of course, Christmas)

ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Mystery Jets.

ANYONE INTERESTED? TELL ME PLEASE (I'M LOOKING AT YOU MILDRED AND RACHEL) pleasepleaseplease, tickets are at 40 (for now)