identity issues

they're not as superficial as they seem you know.

it's painful. literally, heart-achingly painful.

i am lost, really lost. i thought i wanted this so bad, but apparently not, so, it's not even at the crossroads for me, more like an empty sahara desert and a compass without a needle.

i came up with a theory that maybe it's because of how JC/education in all its shiny structured glory shapes us to be.

In history, GP, literature, even economics. We're all made to argue at both sides of the field, we're made to alter our personal choice, principles and preference to think like how we are supposed to, how they like us to, to get that "A".
No wrong in that.
But maybe that kind of robbed me of my humanity a little bit. I find it difficult to choose, because we can see now, both ends of the spectrum.
The beggar wants to be a beggar, mother Theresa wanted to be mother Theresa, I... I don't know.

I just do not know.

I've always had the logic that we're like film, exposed too early and we are ruined, exposed too late, and somehow we get left behind and all we are, are merely figments of the past.

So how do I find the middle, the crack, the crevice to fall into?

I do not know.

I shared this with the man that I treasured most on this planet - My father.
I think I broke his heart, because he thought he knew -
He thought he knew how to fix problems. Because he thought that's what Dads are supposed to do, fix things. He's beautiful like that.
But sometimes we just do not know, we just do not know.
After a long soul-baring session that went nowhere, albeit its futility to find a solution, I feel better. Because I think I learnt a fair bit, although I still face the problem of running into walls and getting bruises and not knowing how. I still face the problem of feeling awfully alone, awfully, awfully, alone. I still face the problem of not knowing, but that's okay.
We live and learn.

we never really grow old, do we?

i'm writing this at 1225am with a spinning mind and in between sniffles and sore eyes, i don't really know where this is going but this is my heart to my fingertips to the screen, unrated. this is me.