Silvery Sleds

my mind is still just @#$%^&*( from the stuff that happened so i just can't stop blogging. i'm sorry.

ANYWAY!
1. this is the day to have The New Year by DCFC on replay one thousand times and feel rightfully nostalgic about it. I remember how strange I felt when they played it in the August show.
2. it's new year's eve and i'm going to watch DVDs at home. watchnight service later, life is boring, but beautiful. work with it.
3. i'm listening to Silvery Sleds from Nick and Norah's infinite playlist. on replay.
4. i don't like playing guitar hero alone.
5. i'm hungry.

i'm waiting
i don't know for what
i'm waiting
i'll be patient, i'll try.

used to be is really growing on me,
i love tambourines.
thank you for the song. it's beautiful.

last day of the year.
i feel nothing.
.. yet.

cross your fingers
take a deep breath
let the wave crash upon you
don't look at what's left
brave the storm
grit your teeth
you're so much more, deep down underneath.

At constant speed.

Listen earnestly please.
(change xx to tt)
hxxp://www.box.net/shared/zc7zhtxvt5#ABD12_13_GemmaHayes_AtConstant



A lonely burden rests gently
this is harder than I thought
Your face is distant and paler now
its funny how things work out

But if I keep a constant speed
and watch everything rush past me
its the quickest way to leave it all behind
only it never leaves
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright

I miss your kitchen window view
the effect I had on you
Your voice is lost in static waves
erased by every day


If I keep a constant speed
and let everything rush past me
This bloody mess I can leave behind
only it never leaves

I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I;m beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright

I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I just see an outline
I'm beginning to forget, I'm beginning to forget you
I hope that's alright
I just see an outline
I just see an outline of you
Just see an outline
Just see an outline of you

So beautiful.

Persuade Yourself. Convince Yourself. Delude Yourself.

i'm watching Kung Fu Panda alone on DVD.
life is tragic.

ringo deathstarr

snippets of
Christmas.

This is my Dad and Mom, evidently elated by the fact that they have successfully paid for a movie ticket for the first time since the 90's.



my dad's expression OWNS.

i spent the day helping out for my dad's party which involves 20 overgrown children (adults) belting it out on the third floor killing evergreen songs on the karaoke set and hanging out with my bro. (L)

after a little talk about globalisation at coffee bean...

Clarissa: What is globalisation to you?
Cephas: Interconnectivity.
Clarissa: What about the erasing of boundaries (e.g one language, one earth, no nations)
Cephas: (rants about freetrade, tax, etc.)
Clarissa: True.

-silence-

Cephas: What kind of boys do you like?
Clarissa: HUH?!

edit: i just listened to the shout out loud's song, you are dreaming and it's the most tragic thing on earth.

Say what you say, I am listening, I am all ears.
But if you still believe I'm thinking of you
you are dreaming, yes you are dreaming.
Everything you say, I am listening, I am all ears.
But if you still believe I'm thinking of you
you are dreaming, yes you are dreaming.

oh dear, not again.

self-containment.
what is it? being able to control, to hide or to skillfully blur those tricky, tricky emotions? tricky.

to be or not to be.

it's Christmas eve.
hear the summer-snow?
it's raining.
i'm also watching Atonement, Keira Knightley is smoking a cigarette and it just looks odd.
i can't pay attention to anything.
my mind is running amock.
i need self-containment.
my imagination is bigger than me.
no, more like, bigger.. than what i'm able to handle.

drapes. i'm thinking of heavy drapes.
-
oh no. the video just stopped.
it switched to David Artchuleta (sp?)
i'm switching the channel.
hee. MTV.
-
pop-up books.
-
mystery jets... sigh.

just, You.

folks, no question about it.
I absolutely am deeply, helplessly in Love, deep, deep Love with God.

Just came back from candlelight service, and it wasn't the atmosphere or the great fellowship that made me all fuzzy about God, it just... feels right.
I've oversimplified this of course. This divine love is indeed, indescribably wonderful. It just fits. For once in my life, it makes sense. It just does. No strings attached. Just pure, pure, love. Just Christmas. Just, You.
--------
sectionals in the morning, met jasmine after to shop for gifts and candlelight after.
company was great. went for candlelight with the small group, and by supper it was just ziyang, eugene, jia, michael, chua, caleb and janaan. last train home alone, and i saw wenyi's mom! i haven't seen her in ages, fancy seeing her in such a place. oh right, jasmine and i almost killed ourselves today.
--------
5 things I learnt today

1when i'm really, genuinely, happy, i laugh for no reason.
2people still fall in love when they're 50. this crazy thing, it doesn't stop. michael's story proved it.
3you can concentrate better when you hold your breath.
4many people don't know that drizzling is "mao mao yu", when translated to chinese.
5Christmas is beautiful.

don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for

boy ladybugs.

talk about drama

okay, deep breath because this is a long one.


right, remember the whole passport fiasco?
well, my superwoman mother managed to get our passports renewed within an hour.
after which, we rushed to the airport to catch our 1240 flight,
which was lovely, coupled with a starbucks and soup spoon lunch with my ma.
nice flight.. met dad, ceph and uncle hadianto
shopped/ate/yadda
met his lovely kids janice and andy
pretty much sums up my jakarta trip.

THEN

ceph and i got hit by food poisoning (we say it was SIA's beef lagsane)
threw up like crazy, and my poor mother went to the hospital 5 times because cephas and i got warded at different times.
so after hours of fever/throwingup/sleep
woke up, and i was all good! ceph too. thank you to all who asked!
heh, made friends with a really nice girl in my ward.
she had food poisoning too, and we were both lamenting and comparing how bad our conditions were!

home sweet home, and band camp!
i loved it.

mmm, i can feel Christmas in my bones already.

the ever-so-deceptive butterfly kiss.

my very cute mother fogot to renew her passport. so, i'm stuck in singapore till this tuesday. was mega disappointed but we went on a nice retail therapy (literally) money wasting session! but you know, mothers. they spend heavenuva load of money on bedsheets, why?!!! but essentially, the purpose of this post is that i'm going to fall off the face of earth for a couple of days, byebye.

sometimes when you're not around, i put you into things to make some sense to myself that you actually are, real.

you are my thunderstorm.
you are my favourite of the moment death-cab-for-cutie song on replay.
you are the chill that goes down my spine.
you are the cold sweat on my brow.
you are my green-tea icecream.
you are my bungee jump.
sometimes you are my nothing.
you are my robot.
you are my puppet master.
you are my sunshine.
you are my searing pain.
you are my vacuum in space.
you are my fuzzy feeling.
you are my wheels on my skates.
you are my gunshot wound.
you are my sand slipping through my fingers.
you are my dream.
you are my nightmare.
sometimes you are my everything.
you are my blank paper.
you are my colour pencils.
you are my empty fridge.
you are my mind.
you are my body.
you are my soul.
you are my empty vessel.
you are my endless ocean.
you are my itch.
you are my sugar high.
are my pending mistake?
you are my fear.

heading to Jakarta tomorrow,
it's been awhile since my family travelled together!
i'm so exciteddddddd, i can't wait to sleep tonight, because when i open my eyes the next morning, i know i'm heading to the airport.

and...

this is big.
possibly, the pinnacle of 2009. (excusing SYF, Alevels and of course, Christmas)


ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Mystery Jets.



ANYONE INTERESTED? TELL ME PLEASE (I'M LOOKING AT YOU MILDRED AND RACHEL) pleasepleaseplease, tickets are at 40 (for now)

what do i want? this is what i want.

a full stop.


i feel like i'm sinking in quicksand.
it still rings in my head, the exact decibel of your voice,
the tone, even the length you pulled your words.
i remember everything.

ala fightclub,
perhaps we only fulfilled the purpose of being single-serving friends?
this is not the first. but the second. out of 2.
or scratch that.
scratch everything out.
everything.

so it's 9.20

i had every intention to run until i saw keegen running past me just now while walking home, and to prevent myself from dying from brutal humiliation i plan to wait (patiently) for him to finish running before head out. -i don't think he reads this, but if he does he better not laugh!

i'm thinking i'm thinking i'm thinking. what do i say. i have 10 minutes to spare, i should really make this worthwhile shouldn't i.

right. here's a good band!

Foals

i think indie electropop is the new eurothrash. reality bites.

okayi'vedecided


i give up.

grace's birthday.

i'm sorry i messed up your real one darling, but i love you! (i'm really clueless, i'm sorry!)

& rachel you look like a vampire.

which reminds me!

i'm finally going to spend some good, much-needed time with her tomorrow, coffee & windowshopping, cannot wait.

i'm trying to deal. it's great you know, us being happy right now as a family. i really want this to eternalize.. don't burst this bubble please.

-----

i'm in need of good music

anything will do.

---

you are my fuzzy logic.

achtung!

can't sleep.
1cold
2saccharine
3exhausted
4routine
5stale

Mishbacha Sheli/Jia Ting/Aa'ilatee/Familia

"Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens to your heart,
Somewhere, deep inside you, is where Christmas really starts,
So give your, heart to Jesus, and you'll discover when you do,
That it's Christmas, really Christmas for you"

Mr. Job, please tell me how.

death. a word used far too frivolously.
a word laced on our lips perpetually,
taken for granted,
taken advantage of.

it is an instant in time, a moment where all physical aspects of your life comes to a standstill, a closing, a blank. a conclusion of all your memories, experiences, feelings, mistakes, successes, and sadly so, your relationships.

the heart rate monitor represents it so aptly:
it is a question mark.

it is a blank.
unknown territory.
sacred to the individual, and personally, to the higher being.
it is pure.

what it is not, is a term to be thrown about like a rag doll, to take out your anger on, to threaten people with, to abuse, misuse and to disrespect.
what it is not, is a game.
what it is not, is an escape.

3 years you said.
yet i'm hoping with every fibre of my being,
willing to give up everything i have, including life itself
for you to tell me that all you said was a lie.




happy birthday Dad.

1

my head feels like it has been ran over by a bus


2


i'm meeting elaine at 345 and have to get to school by 530

3



i'd very much like to knock myself unconscious now thank you very much.

things i'll never say

i don't know what this has come to
i don't know what more i can do
i'm tracing our loose threads

looking for the seam
the beginning, the end
the gaps, the in between

i'm trying to tie up our loose ends
they look so bleak
i'm slipping i'm slipping
... why so weak?

sometimes it screams at the back of my head that

it's not that you weren't there, it's that you're not here.


monday was cool, met up with tracie zheng and nick,
as usual people were late,
chatted with zheng over yoguru
he looks terrible now with bengster hair
tracie came after, went to the arcade to play some pretty cool first person shooter game
headed to kenny rogers' for dinner
talked about all the cool places we'd go to together
can't wait. really.
went to clark quay after that, had turkish icecream..
WHICH IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT, NICE
someone apparently threw the whole spoon into the river, which was just.. wrong. really. got mad at him for abit before i realised that THE THING DOESN'T MELT. IT JUST.. FLOATS. we sat there for half and hour and it just.. floated! i'm telling you guys, it's not icecream. seriously.
went to timbre after that, pizzzzzaaa
and home. was dead beat after.
tuesday.
school,
went off with jas to meet deanna, maaaan she has cool parents.
after which headed to bugis, met daniel for lunch and i went back while the two shopping queens continued on their pilgrimage to empty their poor wallets :D i'm kiddingggggg.
went back, my mom asked me to ask my friends over so i asked P, who asked me to call S, which i completely forgot about so.. i think he hates me now. he calls me the worst friend ever by the way. sigh.
played tons of red alert 3! way cooler than all you little punks playing dota man.
heh.
ran with grace yesterday, i missed her like crazy.
had a tiny dinner.. and more red alert!



f
inally
riday

i have black knee patches for.. knees now!
fell while skating at the loooooooong winding road
shucks so much at laughing at them wearing jeans
haven't seen sunshine for a long while. it was really good.

CAMERA OBSCURA!
it was.. okay la.
hahahah, to be honest
it isn't, a good idea to listen to indie folk bands live actually.
rachel and i had to shake each other awake at certain points
but i really like their new songs, they sound promising
plus i loved the ABBA cover
the poor girl dropped a pin on the floor only to have it scavengered by some lucky dude
studied for chinese and hung out with ip and michelle, just kept eating, and eating.. and........... eating. she has an anthony now.. I'M DYING TO SEE HOW HE LOOKS LIKE.
he'll treat you right, i'm sure, i'm sure.

well yesterday was chinese As
i'm not expecting alot..
spent some time trying to figure out warcraft
michelle came after!
watched alvin and the chipmunks and had pizza for dinner homemade by aunty delia :)
eh, that movie isn't bad! i thought it'd be 2 hours jampacked with mega high frequencied voices that'd probably leave my ears ringing, but it was really sweet.

so i'm leaving for band in abit
i miss my favourite gym rat!

it gets better right?

"just do what you want."

thank you for the wake up call.




headed to town alone, browsed at borders.. windowshopped. mm. same old.
met phil at bugis, bickered and talked about nonsense.
after the most excruciating time of deciding where to go to eat, settled to have xiaolongbaos.
he's the third person i'm having their first xiaolongbaos with!
that aside, he gave me a good, good, wake up call.


"Even when you do bad stuff, He'll find some way to make it okay and make you feel okay! Where got friend like this one?"


aw man. that really hit me. thank you (:

i really, really like this.




"i'm incapable i live by habit"

NOTE TO SELF
STOP BLOGGING CLARISSA

okay check out this song

behind the bunhouse - mystery jets

Did I strangle you with my love?
Think I saw it wrapped around your throat
The last time I saw you, you looked so pale
And white just like a ghost

It was fun for about 5 little minutes
And then you cleared your throat
My eyes swelled up, I curled my toes
And you said I almost choked
And you said I almost choked

But honey why did you go
Behind the bunhouse?
Didn't you know how much I had to give?
You knocked me over the head
With a rolling pin
And then you got down and you kicked me in the ribs

The penny dropped even before I clocked
Just where your hands had been
It's like you'd done your hair for somebody else
Scared that you might have been seen

I slipped down a flight of stairs
And my face must have looked so long
Cos even the tosser with the saxophone
Was asking me what's wrong
He said 'buddy, what is wrong?'

Honey why did you go
Behind the bunhouse?
Didn't you know how much I had to give?
You knocked me over the head
With a rolling pin
And then you got down and you kicked me in the ribs

Please won't you spare me the details
Before I get up and I go
Who was it that stabbed me in the back
Or do you think I ought not to know?

You see the way I was before we met
I was curled up in a shell
And if I'm not counting planes up in the sky
Then I'm falling down a well
I'm at the bottom of a well

Honey why did you go
Behind the bunhouse?
Didn't you know how much I had to give?
You knocked me over the head
With a rolling pin
And then you got down and you kicked me in the ribs

the thought of making another trip down to serene centre sickens me.
the thought that i spent 2 hours fighting with my mom/crying/deciding that i'm potentially crazy and should exercise basic common sense or tolerance because no matter what my promos are TOMORROW?!
the thought of a possibility of a brainblock during history scares me.
the thought of a possible outing on friday with the rest gives me something to look forward to.
the thought of a certain soldier-wannabe (no i'm not talking about you ceph.) pushes me to get my pen going.
the thought of myself missing church so often gets under my skin and is beginning to consume me.
the thought of starting a petition to remove PW from the JC system has crossed my mind for the 1089th time.
the thought of those two parallel lines still haunts me, and it probably will for a long time to come. i hope it doesn't haunt you, i don't think you think about it as much as i do, or as much as you did then, or as much as you did then and i did not. wheel of fortune indeed.
the thought of the 1zillionshowsandmoviesi'mgonnawatch makes me wanna squeal.
the thought of SKATING!!!!! yihui keeps popping up and talking about skating which makes me go :/
the thought of travel. bangkok. yes bangkok.

something for you guys if you're suffering from chronic depression.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XC2mqcMMGQ
:)


reminder to self: sister's birthday present. print EOM. stop stalking your own blog you crazy.. thing.

we seriously have to stop complaining that singapore doesn't stock cool music.
i even found the new young pony club in popular, amazing right.
had dinner yesterday night at grand asia @ odeon towers to celebrate uncle rennie's birthday,
he's a really great person (:
it's worth living a life like that, really.
anyway back to studying
bombaybicycleclub!

i'll never forget those two parallel lines

are you listening

was scribbling this down in GP tutorial

10 songs that impacted my life one way or another through circumstance, time, or just puuuuure lyrical brilliance


1foo fighters - everlong
2dashboard confessional - hands down
3something corporate - she paints me blue
4bright eyes - a perfect sonnet
5bloc party - kreuzberg
6the mystery jets - half in love with elizabeth
7death cab for cutie - lightness
8death cab for cutie - transatlanticism
9the yeahyeahyeahs - maps
10jimmy eat world - sweetness


today was exhuasting.
had tuition at city hall as usual, replayed the same song over and over again one billion times
i'm going to get sick of it like young folks, and that'll be such a pity.
oiiii. get well soon okay.

it would be more right
if it came intertwined
unable to multiply, held in one tight bind
it would feel less testing
if it was shared between
a mutual longing
a unification, the same keen

dear valves you've been working too hard
the glass pieces are working their way through
as you try to filter out the shards
stop beating for awhile,
it won't kill you just yet
i heard death is a process
not instantaneously met

mystery jet lyrics make me want to curl up and sip hot cocoa and just feel all fuzzy and good inside.

Young Love - this made me smile and skip in my steps

If i only knew your name i'd go from door to door
searching all the crowded streets for the face that i once saw
if i only knew your name i'd go from door to door
tell me have you seen the girl i met just once before?

one night of love,
nothing more nothing less
one night of love,
to put my head in a mess
is that you on the bus?
is that you on the train?
you wrote your number on my hand but it came off in the rain.

one night of love,
nothing more nothing less
one night of love,
has left my bed in a mess
is that you on the bus?
is that you on the train?
you wrote your number on my hand but it came off in the rain.

if i only knew your name i'd go from door to door
searching all the crowded streets for the face that i once saw
if i only knew your name i'd go from door to door
tell em have you seen the girl i met just once before



half in love with elizabeth - this one really hit a raw nerve, the heart contraction thing happened again.

Somethings are too painful to say out loud
Well, they live behind a veil and see through a shroud
Words fly through his mouth
Like paper butterflies
They flutter around and burn holes in your side

And he's half in love with Elizabeth
And he's half in love with you

I knew that you were thinking of him last night
'Cos I saw the blood seep down to your toes
Turn away if you must
But how can you put your trust
In a man who always sleeps in his clothes?

And he's half in love with Elizabeth
And he's half in love with you

Yes, he's half in love with Elizabeth
And he's half in love with you

You're the sweet scent on an envelope
A folded photo in his purse
But if you pin your hopes to his back my dear
I'm afraid the bubble will burst

The Maccabees - toothpaste kisses

Cradle me
I'll cradle you
I'll win your heart
with a woop-a-woo
pulling shapes just for your eyes
so with toothpaste kisses and lines
I'll be yours and you'll be

Lay with me, I'll lay with you
we'll do the things that lovers do
put the stars in our eyes
and with heart shaped bruises
and late night kisses
devine

Owl City

Hello, my name is Adam.
I prefer daydreams over reality.
I call music my muse.
I write and record everything you hear in my bedroom.
I have trouble sleeping.
These songs are all I have to show for my sleepless nights.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed creating them.
It means the world to know someone is out there listening.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you.

www.myspace.com/owlcity

aw, so very adorable.

anyway.
my family is very dysfunctional.
i mean it.
this is.. terrifying you know.


picture this:


hershey is chewing up newspapers
and my dad is shouting as usual,
and my mom's defending her

mom: she's trying to read the newspaper too!
dad: yeah she's digesting every word
(mother bursts into hysterical laughter, my mother laughs like cruella de ville.)

okay on another occasion today, we were picking places to eat at central

me: dad how about this? *points at Manhattan fish market
dad: no! i don't want english! *gives look of horror, shock and dismay


alright la, it's not very funny but imagine having corny jokes 24/7
it's pretty cool shizz.

we've still got miles to go.

let's skip the party
we'll hit town
pretend to be tourists
play tag, chase each other round and round

to make tonight last forever
i'm gonna make time stop
close my eyes and hope really hard
till my ears pop

shuffle the ipod
t-pain to MGMT
it doesn't have to matter darling, we're free

leave your emotional baggage
i've put them on hold
it doesn't mean it's gone
it doesn't mean you have to fold

just take a second
cheat time for abit
they'll forgive, i think
after all we've been through
this only deems fit

we can only be young once
but we can be immature forever
i can't remember who said that
but the chap's pretty clever

this is eternity in all it's glory
this is eternity, this is you and me

what you say and what you mean

ouch.

fall season

fall season in the US of A.


you know what that means ladies and gentlemen?
IT MEANS..


TEEVEESHOWSGALORE!

oh prison break, oh gossip girl, oh house, oh grey's anatomy, oh bones, oh heroes, heeello.


um, exams? what exams?


nah just kidding folks (:

i'll manage this somehow!
anyway, sneezed like crazy today till the extent i fell into the little drain on the sidewalk twice
econs was whoaaa-no.
went for tuition at novena
studied at starbucks and bumped into AJ, he couldn't even remember my name la. @#$%^&
he left his watch on the table and just walked off -.-
nevermind.
anyway! i can't wait to see grace this friday (:
and i miss chmel too! smiled like an eediot when i saw your message today hun, i haven't heard from you in ages. michelle's taking in my habits, she's messaging me, and by the second message she stops replying, dangit. I'M SEEING RACH ON SAT! and of course i see my lovely WG everyday in school!

my goodness frolick is so good.

i have no idea what goes on in that head of yours.

wegottasticktogether.

@#$r%t^y&u*()YOUDON'TGETTODOTHISOKAYnotwhenijustthoughtifiguredeverythingoutANDTHENyouJUSTturnthetablesaround@#$%^&*()#$%^&*(#$%^&*()it reallyMESSESTHINGSUPandi'mtiredofplayingsearchANDFINDandjusttellmewhattodo

oh come on clarissa get over yourself

I was reading the lyrics of Transatlanticism, only to discover what on earth I was singing to.

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.


I need you so much closer.

dcfc photos

tracie's birthday surprise today!
zheng, ziwei, nicholas were there
twas' fun. ate at din tai FANG (according to zheng)
and studied at spinelli, after which we watched iype play at tapestry.
i can't appreciate all time low or secondhand serenade i'm sorry :(

singapore lost, @#$%^&

silver's good enough still.

happy birthday tracie, you stupid unicorn.

love cannot be immortal, because it is a flame; but it has to be infinite while it lasts.

vinicius de moraes

whoa.

OKAY I SAID SOMETHING AND I FEEL REALLY SILLY RIGHT NOW!
daaaaaang
hahah, but i really mean it so yea (:
5 click in the morning and
went out with jasmine, dylan and daniel for moneynoenough2
VERY CHEESY SHOW but it was pretty sweet sometimes, anddd just go there with an open mind and laugh at the bad jokes cause that's the point of jack neo shows! :D
shopped with j before meeting them at cityplaza, got a pair of shorts
andddd got XYZ's present!
okay when i have a zillion dollars i'll buy everything from wouldwood and the shop next to it and the DOPE cap which costs 126 dollars.

had dinner at some jap place and we stuffed ourselves silly, DP JASMINE PLEASE


DEATHCABTOMORROW!!!!!!
can't wait can't wait.

feminists, i apologize, but this is just too beautiful to pass by:



WOMAN RECIPE/RECEITA DE MULHER by Vinicius De Moraes

(Extract)

.. Ah, the woman should always give the impression that,
if one close the eyes and open them, she will vanish, her schemes and smiles.
She should not approach, she should appear,
leave, not go,
and should have a certain capacity for suddenly growing silent of making us drink the bile
of suspicion.
Oh, and above all, she should never lose,
no matter the world, no matter under what circumstances,
her talky, birdlike changeability and when touched deep within herself,
become wild, not losing the bird's grace;
and should exhale always the impossible perfume; and always distill honey that gets you drunk; sing always the voiceless song of her tumult;
and always be the eternal dancer of the short-lived day; and her countless imperfections become the most beautiful, most perfect thing in all innumerable creation.


- translated by Paul Blackburn


chanced upon this poem in the library this afternoon, from a brazilian poetry book. marvel now, the power of the pen :)

okay, so today was slowowow.

the silly typewriter girl made me think about all the terrible things that happened, and... it all seems so faraway now, but will, can, never forget. and i'll always wish that i could turn back time, and it almost seems so easy just visualizing what i could've and should not have done, but time to smell the coffee - that's not gonna come.

girl, i don't think moving on should be stamped as protocol as to what to do post-heartache, but.. it's not holding on and having expectations that count. (L) hate to see you this way!

and so it is
just like you said it would be

birthday and the day after

2nd august

day started off bright&sunshiney at YPSB! not really la. didn't play too well, got nagged at by james. i promise i'll work harder! thank you for the wishes there guys, and the tuba boys for playing me a birthday song :)

cabbed home, and two REALLY silly kids were waiting for me at home, with then INTENTION to surprise me when they:

1. left their slippers outside
2. left their guest cups on the table
3. left their bags lying around in my room
4. NOT TELLING MY AUNTY DELIA THEY WERE SURPRISING ME

they were hiding in my toilet
but tracie and nick, you guys are reallyreally sweet! (:

they gave me cupcakes and helped finish off the bukit-timah-hill-esque amount of food i got for my birthday

then, headed to AMKhub and had fish&co, had good laughs, as usual i felt like we never grew up :)

okay, chmel called next! (L)
was late for 2 hours (sorry hun!!) and then went to ps
we played really silly games at the arcade and nick left
michelle liwen and co popped up!
tracie left, then headed to clarke quay to shop+look at fireworks+talk thrash
loads of silly stuff happened
it's hard to write over here how much i love them, but yeah.

they're the kind who you can not see for a million years, but it feels like you never left each other once you meet again.
they're the kind who you can count on, although they'll not be there physically, but no matter what kind of trouble you're in, or how wrong you are, they'll be there to stick up for you.
they're the kind who you can not say anything to each other and yet have secret telepathy and antennas about what the other party is thinking about, and feeling.

i love you guys.

1st of august is my new birthday

WAFFLE GANG I LOVE YOU GUYS

day started off pretty cool
GOT LOVELY PAISLEY AND CREAM CUPCAKES FROM THEM!
was gleeeeeing albeit my complaints about getting fatfat because of them
only to realise that during ECONOMICS
they came in with a 3/4 melted chocolate b&js pint with a candle sticking on top of it
and i got the prettiest card i've ever got ever, i promise i mean this :)
I'LL UPLOAD PICTURES WHEN I'VE GOT THEM

zen:
thank you for the magic trick and happiness. it was really beautiful.

wafflegang:
i love every single one of you :)

C:
hahah you're the ultimate blurness but i reallyreallyreally liked it, thank you!


talk more about stuff soon!

heartbeatrock, no more no less

school was alright.
started of with econs, lecture was pretty cool
and.. no chinese and pw
pretty much a lazyazy day.
WG had our daily dose of nonsense with lingling (:
had partial dinner with farzanah, jasmine ryna daniel and dylan
night study!
alright
readyandsetfortomorrow'stestithink

daniel's scouting shook me!
i mean, i knew i made my decision..
but now i know how important it is.
albeit how happy and jumpy and flighty it feels, one's gotta do what one's gotta do right?






"if those days are gone forever,
i should just let em go"

walk the talk

do I ever cross your mind in the warm sunshine

the sky was just amazing today.
melba swirled into a cyan, it was perfect.

at that moment, it was just perfect. All was just perfect.

EH FOR YOU JASMINEK
iwassocrazyiwroteapoemforyoursbecauseisimplycouldntwriteabout(?)yougetwhatimean
you hit the showers
while I powder up in the next room

you pretty much are oblivious
how you make my heart boom

i put on my attire, you put on your gear
i don't want you to know
i just want to keep you here

maybe there's a maybe
perhaps i can try

but i've made too many mistakes
ones i wish i could nullify

my heart skips a beat
you pass me by
my hearts screaming out loud, but my actions just have to lie


Today has been, absolutely INSANE.

1. FARZANAH FAINTED
2. R ____ D ____ J _____ and I _____ so it was.. ____________
really there's nothing that clandestine here, but i just can't come up with the right vocab
3. deanna danced! very nice.
4. rugby match, whoakay.
5. MANPRIT :)

it's a two way street folks

my dear mates in school are cuh-ray-zee. hahah, we just kept laughing and laughing and laughing (:
i was a goner by chinese, kept nodding off! after which, just hung out abit with jasmine and ryna, aiyar those nuts. :D love you guys!

on the way home, read the notes for king lear.

Regan: Have him hanged.
Goneril: Gouge out his eyes.

My heart goes out to Gloucester actually.
Followed by Lear, and then.. Goneril and Regan for bein----
THIS IS THE PART WHERE MY DAD BROUGHT MY DOG BACK AND HE JUST SPRINTS INTO THE HOUSE AND POUNCES ON MY MOM WHO WAS HAVING A BUSINESS CALL AND SHE STARTED SCREAMING AND I THINK DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES ARE REALLY AWESOME

okay back to the point.

I feel sorry for Goneril and Regan for being unable to feel and reciprocate the love that Lear had for them, because no love can be felt without having the desire to give love.
mmm, i've never done literature, so i don't know when i'm venturing into the wrong sphere of getting to personal with my views and i often find myself screaming at cliffnotes and saying "Nooooooooooooooo!"


wellllll anyway. i'm pretty crazy about this song. enjoy!







If man is judged by their superficial fronts, does that make the viewer superficial as well? We judge, we judge, we judge. It's human nature, nobody can blame nobody for that. But it's kind of terrible having to sit on hands, wishing that you had a society-mindset-eraser in hand. Even the most brilliant, emotive, foreseeing intellectuals do it, so do the most shallow of us all, inside and out. And even all of that description is due to being judgemental. We all know that the deeper depths of every being is intrinsic, individual, and unique in their own ways. And as much as one is labelled for being XXXXXXX, whatever it is, or slapped with the assumption that his/her personality traits are like XXXXXXX, good or bad, we all stage our fronts, just like how knights wear shining armour. It may be a self-defence mechanism, or it may be an actual reflection of one's inner beauty, it may be ugly, it may be scoffed at, it may be despised, it may receive negative response, it may be mocked, but we all paint a face.

It is only but.
A painted, face.

Wipe away it all, and we have a clean, fresh-faced, gift from heaven.

Maybe thinking the bigger/better of a person helps you wipe off the paint as well, not just splashing more, vandalising it more than it already should be.


That's the problem with blogs.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to see your paint.
I too am wielding a paintbrush as we speak, and it's a helpless, monstrous thing to do.
Help me wipe off your paint, please. Before I splash the colours.

dangit i sounded so cheesy

identity issues

they're not as superficial as they seem you know.

it's painful. literally, heart-achingly painful.

i am lost, really lost. i thought i wanted this so bad, but apparently not, so, it's not even at the crossroads for me, more like an empty sahara desert and a compass without a needle.

i came up with a theory that maybe it's because of how JC/education in all its shiny structured glory shapes us to be.

In history, GP, literature, even economics. We're all made to argue at both sides of the field, we're made to alter our personal choice, principles and preference to think like how we are supposed to, how they like us to, to get that "A".
No wrong in that.
But maybe that kind of robbed me of my humanity a little bit. I find it difficult to choose, because we can see now, both ends of the spectrum.
The beggar wants to be a beggar, mother Theresa wanted to be mother Theresa, I... I don't know.

I just do not know.

I've always had the logic that we're like film, exposed too early and we are ruined, exposed too late, and somehow we get left behind and all we are, are merely figments of the past.

So how do I find the middle, the crack, the crevice to fall into?

I do not know.

I shared this with the man that I treasured most on this planet - My father.
I think I broke his heart, because he thought he knew -
He thought he knew how to fix problems. Because he thought that's what Dads are supposed to do, fix things. He's beautiful like that.
But sometimes we just do not know, we just do not know.
After a long soul-baring session that went nowhere, albeit its futility to find a solution, I feel better. Because I think I learnt a fair bit, although I still face the problem of running into walls and getting bruises and not knowing how. I still face the problem of feeling awfully alone, awfully, awfully, alone. I still face the problem of not knowing, but that's okay.
We live and learn.

we never really grow old, do we?

i'm writing this at 1225am with a spinning mind and in between sniffles and sore eyes, i don't really know where this is going but this is my heart to my fingertips to the screen, unrated. this is me.

Your name is Seth. You like economics, politics, you mock the government but secretly think that they're doing a mighty fine job. You like indie rock, but you can't play any instrument for nuts. You like all sorts of music actually, hip-hop gets both of us into an embarrassing funk. We laugh over house reruns and come up with our own theories over Lost. You mock my obsession for pretty boy actors that have nice eyes like Johnantan Rhys Meyer. We karaoke over Say Anything, and get all fuzzy in each others' arms over Bright Eyes. You tell bad jokes, but you do try. You treat your family members with respect, albeit the mandatory lazy-can't-be-bothered part of you that all girls secretly think is pretty cute. You like dogs. You care alot, but you want me to be independent. You want to be independent, we're both un-needy. We're both whole. We don't trust each other all the time, but we make it known to each other. It helps keep us in line, to have a constant drive to prove something to each other, to be better. You like poetry. You don't hear, you listen. You tell me what you like to do, what your fears are, what you hate, without having me to poke and prod. We make decisions together, and don't mind if we take turns making them on our own once in awhile. Dutch is the way to go, a couple of times being treated like royalty's nice, but not all the time. You state your expectations, you're not scared. You like ice-cream. You know i would never do anything to hurt you intentionally, but you get mad. You're natural. It feels more real that way. You're random. You talk alot, but not too much. You respect alone time. You know what's good for you, and respect your body, mind and soul. We share the same religious beliefs, if we don't, we respect each other's. You laugh alot. You make me laugh alot. You love travelling. You have big dreams. Fuzzy hugs are nice. Idiosyncrasies included, we love each other all the same.

Hello Seth, I don't know if you actually exist, but if you do, hello. I'd like you to meet my Ma :)

HELLO WORLD

- somehow when i do that i feel like i'm literally standing 10m away from earth and screaming that out loudddd and clearrrr

i've been spending plenty of time with really awesome people.
really really awesome, precious individuals.

grace - grace and i have been having our 5.2 km runs, chatting and nonsensing about all kinds of rubbish :) everytime some crazy runnergeek sprints past us, or we see day-after-tomorrow-esque lighting flashes, we just burst out laughing. simple pleasures! :)

michelle - HELLO BIRTHDAY GIRLY GIRL. we haven't talked in ages, really ages. but it seems like, no matter how far apart we are, when we get back together, it seems almost like we never left each other at all! :) went shopping with her yesterday at vivocity, had spizza which i ate the toppings and ate the pizza, and just talked about everything under the sun. it's always fuzzy with you around babe <3

rachel - i pop up from time to time to see her slacking *cough at wisma's ckj! hahahah, the last time i saw her watching anime at her counter! naaah, she works prettydarnedhard. DEATHCABBBBBBBB

chmeloooon - just met her hours ago! surprised me with creme brulee cadbury chocolate! pigged out and talked at the busstop. ONCE A WEEK SESSIONS!

sunshine.b - on/off thing. i don't really know, it's cold and not, but good times are good times.

P - thank you for letting me call and just let everything go. i really needed that. love you in the way you know i love you.

nick/tracie/zheng - feelgoodfriends. hahah, it's as good as it gets, i never grow up with them around, we're forever 11 when we're together!

classmates!!! - what we school be without you guys man. seriously. J, chin up okay, bigger person!

milho - we can join shopaholic anonymous and pretend to be hippies :) love you.


life's good, life's good. i think, it's really true what they say about how people need to lose something/someone to realise the worth of what they have around them. learnt it the hard way, but that's okay. a little ache-y once in awhile, but that's okay. live and learn.

i've been watching alot of gilmore girls reruns and friends,
and laughing non stop, i was up awake after twisting and turning of sleeplessness at 3 in the morn, only to realise half of my family was up watching the tele. we're tvgeeks, no kidding.

i like short-forms.
like
fro yo for frozen yogurt
i like green tea icecream
i think i've said this the hundredth time.

tiny dancer

watched get smart with bliss daniel and daniel's friend!
SO FUNNY OKAY I PROMISE YOU I HAVEN'T LAUGHED SO HARD IN A ZILLION YEARS
hahahah, go watch it please! i smiled all the way back home heh.

my classmates are so cute okay.
wafflegang's jasmine was late as usual, and ryna&deanna forgot to bring their calculatorrrrr
PLEASE BRING YOUR DICTIONARY TOMORROW RYNA IF YOU'RE READING!


mmmmmmmm i've been watching reruns of friends
and i found prison break incredibly boring, so much so i jumped to the last episode
michelle wants to get skates, so do i!
i miss chmel oon, girlygirl sessions..........
DEATH CAB TICKETS ON SALE TMR!!!


well, i had a conversation about leadership with mommy this morning, because she said that in a crowd there's always this person who stands out and steps out to be a leader, only those will be successful.
and i've concluded that i do not want to be one, perhaps because i know i do not have the qualities, and perhaps simply because i've no desire to be one. somehow, we're all shaped to believe that we should be leaders of tomorrow, as we're shipped of to leadership camps and the works. but what if, not all of us are supposed to be leaders in the first place? a leader is nothing without his/her strong pillars supporting a leader, neither would a team be successful without a dynamic, quick-on-feet leader. i would be proud to work for somebody if i feel that i made a difference, made an impact to change things, to make things better, and standing out doesn't equate to becoming a leader. the next time we feel out of place for not being picked captain, well it's really okay. (:

you're happy, i like that.

after the boys of summer have gone

"i don't understand what happened to our love
but baby when i get you back i'm gonna show you what i'm made of..."


hahah, the ataris' cover of boys of summer just makes me wanna sit in a convertible and screeeaaaaaaaaaam.
so, i'm having exams
taboo subject thankyou
anyway, a list of non-sense-list-of-things-i-feel-like-mentioning

1.ithinkthatjohnathanrhysmeyersisverycute

2.i won a cd hamper on radio yesterday hahahahahah

3.i can't walk my dog. she just refuses to move. i can walk her, and she'll just sit her royal behind on the middle of the road, and i feel like crying because everytime a car comes my BP goes up to 180.

4.my family is reeeeaaaaally awesome!

5.my brother's girlfriend is a really good tutor

6.missed my classmates, heh.
awrh, wafflegang.

7.but i'm missing my IPs too. M & G i haven't seen you guys in forever!

8.BLOWER'S DAUGHTER IS PLAAAAAYINGGGGGG

9.ishouldbemugging

10.hmmmmm what should i have for lunch.

11.i shall run 4 click later! (pffft)

12.i'm really talking trash now aren't i

13.i'm not going to stop here cause i don't like 13

14.hugh laury sounds bad with his natural accent

15.sometimes when i read my history notes i pretend that i'm a russian lady selling bread

16.travel

17.skate

18.movies

19.DCFCCCCCCCCCCCC

jolted up from bed at midnight due to mil's call
we started gushing about DCFC
and as usual i couldn't understand 1/2 of what she was talking about
so after alot of hems and haws pretending to know and acknowledge, and a couple of huhs
all settled! we're going we're going
went for PW meeting this morning at PS
missed them quite abit i realised :)
had lunch with mom, we're good now, and she's good.

random stuff that happened, while i was on the laptop, a bat just flew past me and it took me 4 seconds approximately before i started yelping for aunty delia
i do that pretty often now because i freeload so often at home, and when hershey jumps on me, she's my height and i can't do anything so i end up calling for aunty-rescue
my dog ate a mini tennis ball by the way, but that's beside the point.


EVERLONG'S PLAYING NOW!!!
AHHH SO NICE.

yup. okay, i need to skate.
im wheeless at the moment and i returned YH's wheels along with my bearings, i mean literally bearings. i'm safely sane (: so i think.



Like A Candle


You stand tall and proud,
You carry the flame
Self sacrificing in every drip,
They don't know your pain

There's only so much you can take
Why can't you save yourself for your own sake
There's only so long you can live
Not all of yourself you can give

The wax is dripping
The tears are falling
Nobody hears you calling
Nobody sees you falling

They treat you disposable
As they shackle you to be at their disposal

my current favourite ice-cream flavours are green tea ice-cream, cookies and cream and milk tea respectively.
i like 3 syllable words.
i like to bake, but i don't like to eat baked products.
i like craft, but i do not like art. (the drawing, sketching, the whole works)
i drift to a temporary self delusion that i'm a bohemian hippie living in 1967 whilst listening to woodstock era songs.
i like eric clapton better in cream than i do now.
muse makes me angsty.
i don't take a particular fancy to ballads, similarly yet not, i do not take a liking to heavy metal.
i wonder very much if rockstars mean the words they say, they're pure poetry on stage, but off...
i have a fantasy of making an intriguing, life-changing friend on the bus.
i like cars very much and i intend on owning a Jeep, but i have no intention to drive.
i do not like chocolate.
i always think that the grass is greener on the other side.




heh. i might very well just plant this whole chunk in on the next personality questionnaire i have to complete.

Wanderlust

pack your things it's time to go
somewhere with mountains somewhere with snow
leave everything behind
maybe out there, something better we'll find

we'll leave the warm streetlights
warm and inconspicuous they keep
we'll leave the safe nightlife
boring and unexciting we weep
we'll leave the flavours
all four packed into one

all these treasures
all we shun

honey it's a bittersweet life here
"too perfect!" we fear

kids, anarchy? don't bother to try
a day without your comfy little beds, my oh my.

i don't deny my wanderlust
but these words, do trust
nowhere out there like here,
but no one in here likes here.





Identity Issues


describe yourself, the paper demands
what's your personality?
what's your style?
inner being intruded, as i interrogate myself
over its commands

"it's to help you find yourself" an class "A" excuse

i don't fathom everyone to be that narcissistic
to have themselves as their muse

why should it be known what we think we are
decide our strengths and weaknesses

perhaps goals are acceptable, but to colour ourselves
in at a tender age as such,
that's going too far

whatever happened to nature
that beautiful course
the wonder and mystery of growing up
oh, it's all outdated, of course.

open the colouring book
pencil in the marks and splash the myriad of shades in
"this is me! this is me!" sixteen year old
Mary proudly proclaims
but precious, there's so much you haven't seen.

dear mother

i'm not going to hide,
i'm going through a rough patch with my family right now.
amongst other things.. it's no good.

i feel that i have so much love to give her,
and when she doesn't take it,
it turns sour.
and sometimes nothingness beats this sour, bitter love.

well i skated 30km today at the national runway skating event with yihui and rey
good fun!
my legs ache like anything
and i've picked up a couple of sliding tricks!

ah i lost all of my say anything songs and i've craving them so bad.

placate her

school has been good and not at the same time
like jasmine said, this week is just MESSED. UP.
lao shi got really mad at us today, cause we came late after PW
i feel awful after the whole ms victor / mr. S / mdm tan fiasco
will apologize tomorrow, definitely.
band was alright, i'm really tired.
ms victor rejected our whole group's GPP by the way,
whoopdeedoo. but all's good. (:
phil made me think about icecream &)*)@*)*@)&#)(*#&(@&(&(&#(&@(&(&@(&(&(&(#&

ANYWAY RYNA I'M STILL GETTING SPASMS OF SHOCK ABOUT IT


messed up. hahahah, wellmmm. girlfriends in school make my day!
parting shot was spent with jasmine and lingling at the canteen chatting about nonsense and certain individuals(!) ..................... and i'm here.
i'm tired.

the worst thing is to know that there's something wrong
and you don't know what it is
my mother fainted in the YWCA lobby today.
right in front of me, she just collapsed on the ground.
she's okay now.



as john lennon would say,


"help."

sokyi's birthday celebration!
pictures on facebook guys (:
anyway, dear D&J&F, 3/5 of wafflegang decided to pull a david copperfield on ryna and I, leaving us completely depressed the entire day before we found stupid things like note-passing and warped theories of counting down time together :D teehee ryna yogurt
I MET KYNA KNG BAO YUE AFTER 048080280802384 YEARS
I MISS HER LIKE CRAAAAAZY
hahahah, i've been meeting up with my mates recently! so happy so happy.
tmr, gig@fortcanning/homeclub! i'm going for the fortcanning one. mmmmmyea.

my mom's not feeling too well, and my brother's toes got run over by a trailer.
all's good though, i'll just keep on praying (:

so i'm blogging again!

band concert's over, it was lovely, albeit the mistakes and all.
love my section mates!
and a bigbigbigbigbig thanks to my awesome as anything classmates for turning up!

okay so i stayed in today,
flubug.
i slept till TWELVE on the couch in the hall.
TWELVE!
half of my day was burnt by lying motionless on a sofa, doing nothing but consuming precious oxygen.
.. and man was it worth it (:
i feel soooo good nowwwwwwww
rachel is right.
sleep. is. good.

anyway, i made more than 5 trips downstairs from my room to the feezer to take scoops out of the strawberry cheesecake pint of B&Js. something is wrong with me. i don't even like B&Js thatamuch. after which, had dinner with ma at Ivin's! and then i had the bezzzzt strawberry milkshake EVER! at the nearby hawker centre, and AFTER WHICH we went to awfully chocolate to get a scoop of chocolate icecream and a chocolate cake. i wonder why i'm not a zillion kgs, really.

that aside, listen to this: my primary school mate who i often squabbled with who was my neighbour BACK at horizon gardens from p5-p6 and continued to be neighbours till I shifted to lentor.... is going to move..


ACROSS THE STREET!

hahah, we're stuck for life man!

Uno

I watched a french movie yesterday at a french embassy-esque building yesterday, it was _____.
I don't really know what to make of it. I'd like to think that it was mindblowingly intriguing, because it would be intellectually satisfying, worthwhile, it would be.. something. But i'm afraid i'd be making something out of nothing, in a desperation to be arty or what-not perhaps.

"We fill ourselves with things to make us who we want to be"

i don't want to become like that.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362265/trailers

nonetheless, what, or rather whom i wish to rant about is in fact, the company.

i think i would like to stop trying.
it makes me feel so small, and it becomes a race for your affection,
although i know that you might beg to differ.
i don't know what i am to you,
and you will always mean that something to me,
but i'm not going to race for you to accept me further than a close acquaintance,
although i am completely aware that you have legitimate reasons to treat our relationship this way.

i met weiying on the bus today.
we acted so different.
i say act, because i know the us i knew would never.. be like how we are now.
has life completely consumed us to the point that we don't recognise our friends anymore?
i was screaming inside in joy upon seeing the girl that i've spent the most high and lows of life with since forever, but all i could summon was, oh my goodness, hi.

really.


on a happier note,

hershey's okay!